The Gentleman's Guide to Becoming an Esquire

A small part of me wishes that I had attended law school fifty years ago. While I am utterly terrified of the intelligent and ambitious women who surround me in the ranks of The John Marshall Law School, it is not the lack of diversity associated with law school student bodies at that time I yearn to see re-permeate the present day culture. Whereas years ago, it wasn’t uncommon for a law student to carry his legal pads and or books in a fine leather attaché case, some young men at present often struggle not to appear as though they are boarding a plane, walking to middle school or preparing to hike long distances. This simply is not the kind of change I can believe in, or condone in any way. While the modern female law student is not immune to the aforementioned variety of faux pas, for the sake of brevity I would like to offer a few man-bag tips for the future gentlemen barristers incubating their legal prowess here at John Marshall.

Since my undergraduate years I’ve been baffled by what must be one of the singular most ill informed choices in professional attire and accessory pairings: the suit and backpack combination. While I admire the symmetry and comfort with which my Jansport distributes the weight of a burdensome load across my frame, said backpack has no place upon the shoulders of a man wearing a suit or sportcoat. One of the critical flaws in this ill-advised duo is the inevitable creasing that will befall your jacket; a jacket that, if you had the foresight to take to the dry cleaner prior to wearing, will look as though you picked it up off of the floor of your closet before throwing it on that morning as a result of your perpetual accessorial adolescence. The other problem associated with wearing a backpack over your suit is that, whomever you are trying to impress with your tidy garb will surely mistake you for a Jehovah’s Witness. I myself have nothing against Jehovah’s Witnesses, and they require ample and comfortable storage for their evangelical materials. However, if you struggle making it past your interviewer’s assistant when they fear that you will convert their boss into a door-to-door pro-bono messenger of the good word, your strappy bag will prove quite self-defeating. If, at this point you are feeling entirely picked on, I offer you solace in the knowledge that there are some young men whose chosen accessory is even less apropos than your own.

In Herman Melville’s classic novel, “Moby Dick,” Queequeg recalls to Ishmael the story of his first encounter with a wheelbarrow. Confused as to the device’s intended use, Queequeg loaded his chest full of belongings onto it and then placed it upon his shoulder to carry instead of wheeling it, enduring the mockery of onlookers who were amused and baffled by his gaffe. While Queequeg’s ignorance can hardly be construed as self-respect or machismo, there is something admirable about a man who carries his things by way of his own strength, as opposed to carting them behind him like a flight attendant. Rolling backpacks not only demonstrate the laziness of an otherwise healthy and strong young man, but they are a plague and a nuisance on sidewalks, hallways and elevators alike. Make no mistake; the message that you are conveying by utilizing such a rolling contraption is that you are unfit, both mentally and physically, to carry the heavy burden that is the law.

The stark reality is that in any professional setting you are judged in no uncertain terms by the way that you present yourself. Avoiding the pitfalls discussed herein is a small step in the right direction towards becoming not only an esquire, but a fashionable gentleman as well. Good luck, and Godspeed in your search for a stylish satchel that is commensurate with your current station in life.

In the fall of 2008, as the economy plunged towards the depths of a seemingly bottomless recession, a group of students, united by mediocre test scores and unfortunate timing, began their 1L year at the black sheep of Chicago law schools. Now in their second year, scattered across the country by transfers and blind ambition, they stay connected through one shared interest: Finding hilarity both in the absurd process that is law school and the invidious effect it has on even the most docile of law students.